He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
