You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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