How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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