I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
