Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The adults are the big ones right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
