the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
