So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
