my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
