I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I cockslap morals
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
