I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
