i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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