census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
