I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
