I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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