Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
