He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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