Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
