I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
