It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Dear god my vagina.
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