How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
