There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
