so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
