Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I supernannyed him into submission
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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