Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
