I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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