yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
