So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
