Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
