remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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