When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
