Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
