Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
