Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Houston, we have a squirter
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
