it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
