I cannot find my penis.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
