That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
