Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
