I think I won the penis lottery.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
