i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
