captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
