are you still at the devil's house?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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