I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
