Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
