Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
