I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
