so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
