My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
