woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
