my mouth tastes like poor choices
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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