I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
